Crucial Conversations

Ever need to have a hard conversation with someone that you kept putting off?

You knew the issue was important, but it just felt too uncomfortable?  Maybe you were worried that if you expressed what you were thinking, it would only make the relationship more difficult.  Often we avoid conflict and difficult conversations, and just convince ourselves it’s better to just push it under the rug!  

But, we must grow in the courage, faith, and skill to have these crucial conversations.  

There is a popular business communication book called Crucial Conversations that offers valuable lessons about how to facilitate productive dialogue and difficult conversations.  What is a Crucial Conversation?  

Opposing Opinions + High Stakes + Strong Emotions = Crucial Conversation

There are likely dozens of examples of these kinds of issues in your life – marriage, parenting, ministry, work, friendships.  Some conversations you’ve had, but others you’ve put off.  Of course all principles of Healthy Communication must begin with the biblical call to honor one another, act in selflessness, and speak with love and encouragement. 

The book offers a wealth of helpful perspective and practical skills for how to engage in these emotional, high stakes conversations.  Let’s look at an overview of four of the main principles and the practical advice the book offers.  

1- Understand your emotions and the story you are telling yourself. 

• Notice your behavior.  If you find yourself moving away from productive dialogue, ask yourself what you’re really doing.  Are you giving into silence (just avoiding the issue) or violence (lashing out in other ways)?  “When my spouse gets home late, I often avoid him/her for the rest of the night.”
• Understand and unpack your emotions.  What emotions are leading you to act this way?  What are you feeling that is impacting your avoidance or frustration?  Anger, Fear, Shame, Disappointment, Anxiety?  Try to discern why you feel this way and if the emotion is justified.  “It makes me feel angry, because I feel unimportant.” 
• Analyze your story.  What is the story you are telling yourself about the relationship and the issue at hand?  Is your version of the situation the only or best explanation for what is going on?  Are you seeing the other person as the villain or yourself as the victim?  Are you ignoring your role or assuming the worst of the other person?  “I know my spouse knows how I feel, but he/she doesn’t care and just keeps doing it.”
• Get back to the facts.  Try to let go of the sense of absolute certainty you have about what is going on.  Distinguish between the facts of what actually happened and the version of the story you are telling yourself.  What evidence do you have to support the story in your head?  Is this person truly against you or does it just feel that way?  “I know he/she is not really late every night, and he/she did recently mention being overwhelmed at work.” 

2- Initiate a conversation with a calm and open mind. 

• Share your facts.  Begin the conversation with the least controversial, most clear elements from what you have observed and experienced.  “I wanted to talk to you about our evening routine.  The last few weeks it seems like you’ve gotten home late from work more than usual and that’s hard for me.” 
• Tell your story.  Explain your version of the story.  Tell the person what you’re beginning to conclude and why.  “When you’re late it makes me feel like you don’t value me and our time together as a family.  It can throw off my whole routine and attitude for the night.” 
• Talk tentatively.  State your story as a story – don’t disguise it as a fact.  “I know this shouldn’t make me feel unimportant, but it does.”  
• Ask for their perspective.  Encourage them to share both the facts as they see them and their own version of the story.  “What are evenings like for you finishing up work and getting home for dinner?” 
• Encourage testing.  Be open for them to express differing or even opposing views about what’s been going on.  “Does what I’m sharing make sense?  Can  you see my perspective?  Do you see it another way?”  

3- Keep an open heart and listen to their perspective. 

• Be curious and ask.  Be genuinely curious and compassionate about what they are going through.  Express true interest and concern for the other person’s views. “Do you remember being late a lot?  What is the evening routine like from your perspective?”  
• Acknowledge their feelings.  Increase their comfort by respectfully acknowledging the emotions the person appears to be feeling.  “I didn’t realize how anxious you are about work, and how stressful it is to try to get home by 5:30p.m.”
• Paraphrase their story.  As the person shares their story, restate what you’ve heard to show that you understand – but also encourage them to share what they think and feel.  “So, you’re saying you’d like to get home by 5:30, but it’s not realistic given the late meetings that are often scheduled?  Are you saying my expectations make you feel more stressed?”
• Encourage them to share.  If the person continues to hold back, gently prime them to share more.  Take your best guess at what they may be thinking and feeling.  “Are you saying that you want to prioritize the family but you don’t know how to balance all the pressure you’re under at work?”
• Seek common ground.  Agree with the person whenever you share the same view to help find common ground.  When you differ in your perspective, don’t immediately say they are wrong, but compare your views.  “We both agree that your work is important and our time together as a family is important.” 

4- Work on finding a shared perspective and a unified solution. 

• Summarize the discussion and identify what’s most important.  Give an overview of facts as well as the perspective that each person has.  Do your best to be gracious and objective.  Focus on the priorities you both share, and the feelings you both have.  “So we both agree that you need to stay invested at work, and we want to make family dinners a priority.  I shouldn’t assume the worst when you are late, and you shouldn’t assume that being late isn’t a big deal.”
• Present a potential solution and seek unity.  Once you each understand the other person, seek to agree on the best way to handle the situation.  If you have an idea for a clear path forward, humbly share your proposal.  Or, if there are a few ways to seek a unified solution, share a few different possibilities.  Either way, ask for their input and be open to adjusting the outcome.  “What if we move our dinner time a little later, and you commit to texting me  to check in about the evening?  I could also be open to eating without you if it doesn’t work out.”
• Make a plan to move forward and follow-up later.  Form a plan you both agree on, with clear action steps, and a specific way to check in later.  Keep in mind the relationship is more important than the situation.  Be gracious and assume the best of the other person.  “So, we’re going to move our family dinner time back to 6:00 p.m. most days, and you’ll text me by 5:30 p.m. to let me know if you are going to be late.  On Thursdays we’ll eat without you so you can work late.  Let’s do this for two weeks and then talk again to see how it’s going and how we are both feeling.  Sound good?”  

Remember, most good things in life don’t happen by accident!  Healthy relationships and productive communication require time, attention, energy, and initiative.  Whether a family member, ministry partner, or work relationship, we must love and honor the other person enough to not avoid hard conversations!  Be humble, value them as a person, trust God, and dive into that crucial conversation!