by Holly Stello
Being in the body of Christ often means being surrounded by brothers and sisters of all ages. Our church communities can range from the very young to the very old: families, college-aged singles, parents with adult children, retired couples with grandchildren, all in a different walk of life. Despite the large age range, though, it’s become increasingly common to hear the following sentiments from many generations:
- “My daughter hasn’t really spoken to us since they had their second baby, we were lucky to get Thanksgiving with them last year. Her husband’s family seems to get unlimited time with them though.”
- “My Father demanded I come over and help him move furniture last Saturday, that’s the last time I give up my free time on a weekend for him! Maybe he should hire help if he’s this needy!”
- “My Mom is still recovering from surgery but I can’t spend the evenings with her this week, maybe she has a friend that can come over instead.”
- “My parents were pretty strict growing up and I’m not raising my children that way, so it’s better if we keep them at a huge arm’s length in case they say anything that might cause hurt feelings.”
- “Our daughter won’t answer the phone more than once every three weeks now that she’s married. It’s like the last 25 years we invested in her meant nothing… it would be nice to catch up a little more frequently.”
As believers, do these scenarios describe how we ought to honor the families God has placed us in? The Bible says to “leave and cleave” (Gen. 2:24) and start our own family, but it also says to “honor thy Father and Mother.” (1 Tim. 5:1-2, Ex. 20:12, Eph. 6:2-3) How are we to practically obey both of these inspired passages of Scripture?
Before we dive in, let me just emphasize that this is directed toward Christian familial relationships. There’s a lot to unpack here, and some of us have a history of serious hurt, pain, and abuse in these parent-child relationships; if so, a hard line in the sand might be necessary. However, this blog is meant for those of us who were raised in Christian homes and are walking with the Lord now. I am excited to explore, encourage, and rethink the way we can show honor to our parents. I confess – and I think I’m not alone – that I have also struggled with honoring my parents and parents-in-law. As believers, I think we can improve.
Here are a few questions to consider.
–Have you taken boundaries too far?
We are in a culture that promotes “protecting our peace” and putting ourselves first; it’s become completely normal to set boundaries that isolate family members and parents. This is a selfish approach if we are not careful. No, I personally do not think your parents should insist that you give up every single Friday evening and Sunday afternoon of the year to be at their beck and call, but I’ve seen a pattern of poor communication in this area.
–Is your parents’ wisdom completely useless in your life?
Parents who have been walking with the Lord for decades more than us have much to offer in wisdom, common sense, and practical life. Isn’t it wonderful that we have folks ahead of us in life to give us advice and help guide us! Where is our gratitude? Surely we can still learn from the generations that came before us.
–Is serving your friends a priority over serving your parents?
This one stings a little and makes me rethink a few scheduling choices I’ve made over the years. There’s a balance we can try and hit, and we need humility to discern helping our parents while still supporting our friends. Are there ways we shuffle our parents’ and friends’ needs on our own agenda? Do we often choose minor requests from friends over our parents’ bigger requests?
–I’m not a child anymore. Aren’t I too old to continue honoring my parents?
No. You aren’t. This isn’t a direct order from God “just for children.” But this certainly brings up defensive feelings for sure. We are all filled with good and bad reasons and excuses (and we know it): “I’m busy with work and kids,” “I can’t seem to find a balance so I’m putting you off again,” “I’m building my own life and my spouse and kids are more important.” While your own family should be guarded closely and raised by you, this is not a reason to forsake your parents.
My goofball twin sister likes to semi-sarcastically say “You’re a Christian, act like one.” Here are three reminders as to how we can “act like Christians” in regards to honoring our parents as adults:
- Honoring your parents is one of ten commandments…remember?
The theme of Sabbath rest was really on my heart a lot last year, and I have been diving a little deeper into the Ten Commandments. We make allowances and excuses for some of them, don’t we? We don’t always honor the Sabbath, but we would certainly never murder anyone. We don’t honor our mother and father, but we would never steal. There’s a disconnect here. The Lord is telling us to do something, we should sit up and pay attention to this despite how we feel about it.
- We should embrace a life of servanthood, including our parents.
Of course it’s far easier to sit at home than get in the car and help your mother clean out her basement. I would rather do anything than help my parents with yardwork, but wait a minute. aren’t we supposed to serve one another? (Gal. 5:13; 1 Pet. 4:10) These are biblical truths we may frequently and conveniently ignore. People are messy. People are difficult. That doesn’t mean we stop serving them.
For a long time, presumably, your parents worked hard and served you while you could offer very little in return. How can you offer them a similar spirit of servanthood now? Is there pride and laziness you need to confess and repent of? There is a good balance to consider here.
- Stop keeping a record of wrongs. Plan for something better going forward.
In a world that is hyper-focused on feelings, it is so easy to drown in small offenses that pile up – things like holiday spats, house rules, crossed signals about expectations, poor communication, bad habits, harsh words that still cut deep. Unforgiveness and its bitter roots grow down deep.
Maybe your parents did their best raising you and maybe they didn’t; no matter what they didn’t do a perfect job because this is Earth, not Heaven! Regardless, it is still a commandment to honor them. Obedience to God by honoring your parents is still a good law God has given us.
A few years ago, my mom and I had a phone conversation and while we didn’t end it overly upset, we were impatient and a little short with one another as we hung up. About an hour later, we talked again on the phone and reconciled with each other. Later on that very same day, a texting teenager behind the wheel merged into my Mom’s vehicle on the PA turnpike, causing her to spin and crash into the median! Her car was almost totaled, her friend in the car had some minor injuries, but praise God, she herself was fine. After a third phone call, when I found out about the car accident, I was so grateful we had patched up our differences earlier in the day. What if she wasn’t with us anymore after that accident and I was still angry with her?
Praise God, when we honor our parents well, forgive one another, and reconcile over past hurts, we do not have to fear living with a fractured relationship forever.
Instead of rehashing old issues, sowing discord, and in-fighting (which the Bible speaks a great deal about: 2 Tim. 2:23-24, Jas. 4:1, and many more), we can start to rebuild healthy relationships that glorify God. We can set an example of love, selflessness, and servanthood.
My closing prayer and hope is that we as Christians can glorify God through all of our relationships, even ones that need mending. God is not finished with us yet! Let’s let him work on us and collectively pray for healing and restoration where we need it.
Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord and he will lift you up. | James 4:10
Holly Stello is a committed member of Living Hope Church. She and her husband, Tim, have two children, many animals, and serve as life group leaders and help to lead the Dynamic ministry at Living Hope.
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