So, you are dating and in love. Maybe you are considering engagement or maybe you’ve already gotten engaged, or maybe you are single, but you desire to be married one day. To state the obvious: marriage is a big deal! It is not something to be entered into lightly. There are loads of things to consider when deciding whom to marry: a compatible personality, physical attraction, family support, communication style, shared interests, and on and on. Let me suggest four critical, deeper issues that every couple must consider when considering marriage:
1- Are you both committed to centering your life on Christ?
Because we are spiritual beings at our core, a shared faith is central to a healthy marriage. Spiritual compatibility impacts all of life in a marriage – communication, sex, finances, parenting, free time, etc. For Christians, the foundation of a strong marriage must be a commitment to grow together as you pursue Christ together (Philippians 3:13-14). If one spouse has their life centered on Christ, and the other spouse has their life centered on career, money, friends or anything else – you’ll be headed in two different directions. Scripture describes the necessity of being joined with another believer and building your life on the rock of Christ this way:
Luke 6:47-48 – “Everyone who comes to me and hears my words and does them, I will show you what he is like. He is like a man building a house, who dug deep and laid the foundation on the rock. And when a flood arose, the stream broke against that house and could not shake it, because it had been well built.” (see also Psalm 127:1)
2 Corinthians 6:14-15 – “Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness? What accord has Christ with Belial? Or what portion does a believer share with an unbeliever?” (1 Corinthians 7:39)
2- Are you both committed to the same purpose for your marriage?
Marriage was designed by our loving Creator for a man and woman to join together as one flesh and build a new life together. Yes, this will bring friendship, emotional support, financial stability, sexual fulfillment, children, and many other blessings. However, marriage has a greater purpose. Marriage is intended to reflect Christ’s love for the Church. When both spouses are committed to live under God’s Word, striving to fulfill the biblical design for marriage, the couple has the greatest opportunity to enjoy a life-long, fulfilling relationship that honors the Lord. God’s Word explains the design for marriage this way:
Genesis 2:18, 21-24 – “Then the LORD God said, ‘It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.’…Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.”
Ephesians 5:31-32 – “’Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.’” This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.”
3- Are you both committed to sexual purity during engagement and after marriage?
The sexual union between a man and a woman is intended to reflect and flow out of the spiritual union that occurs when God joins a couple together as one flesh in the marriage covenant. Sex creates a powerful bond, but outside of marriage it has no foundation to support it. Too many couples feel held together by sexual passion, only to get married and find out years later that the relationship was built on a false connection. It is crucial that sexual restraint be practiced before marriage to prevent emotional damage, to build mental and emotional compatibility, to prevent shame, and to honor God as you prepare for a fulfilling sex life in marriage. Once you are married, the commitment to sexual purity is equally important to stand against any temptations toward lust, flirtation, pornography, adultery, or emotional infidelity. For those who have stumbled into sexual sin, there is forgiveness in the cross of Christ. The Bible teaches the importance of protecting the marriage bed like this:
1 Thessalonians 4:3-6 – “For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor, not in the passion of lust like the Gentiles who do not know God; that no one transgress and wrong his brother in this matter…”
Hebrews 13:4 – “Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.”
4- Are you both committed to a life-long marriage covenant, without considering divorce as a way out?
Marriage is designed to be a reflection of God’s unending love and covenant for his people, therefore, it is intended to be a life-long commitment. Both spouses must commit “till death do us part” to create the security needed for the marriage to thrive. When a couple enters marriage knowing it is a life-long covenant, they put themselves in the best position to love, serve, forgive, and work hard even when the marriage hits hard times. While there are instances when the Bible allows for divorce and remarriage, you should never enter marriage open to divorce as a way out (Matthew 5:31-32, Romans 7:2-3, 1 Corinthians 7:12-16). If a couple is considering remarriage after a previous divorce, they should proceed carefully to be sure that biblical expectations are followed, previous relational issues are resolved, and the new marriage is pleasing to God. Jesus affirms the marriage covenant in this account:
Matthew 19:3-6 – “And Pharisees came up to him and tested him by asking, ‘Is it lawful to divorce one’s wife for any cause?’ He answered, ‘Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female, and said, ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.’”
These are four heavy questions, but they need to be answered as you consider marriage with a future spouse. Don’t wrestle through these issues alone. Seek counsel from parents, pastors, and mature married couples. Remember, a healthy marriage is a great gift worth preparing for!
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